Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
