I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
