After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
