question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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