my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How's work?
Spinning.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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