Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
