i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
thus making me awesome and them whores
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize