You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
