I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
