She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
