i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
