I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
