foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
