matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
