she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
