apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
