seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
