Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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