Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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