Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
