If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
