so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
