I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
