This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
