So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
