I'm laying in your front yard are you home
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
