there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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