I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
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