when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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