I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
