Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
