Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
