In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
