i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
