Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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