I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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