Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
