I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
