Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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