i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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