Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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