I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
