my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
