I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
