addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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