I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We left the knife in your bed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
