mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
