There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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