Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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