She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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