During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
