I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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