Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
