I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
