I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
