Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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